Failing a Little Bit Longer
I’m no stranger to failure. In my adult life, I’ve failed to accomplish most of my dreams. No, I'm not being dramatic (no tiny violins here) and I'm not referring to not getting the one job I applied to, type of failure. I'm talking about long-standing persistent failure. Did I update, pivot, revamp research, strategize, and adjust my approach to my goals and even the goals themselves? Of course but to no avail. I was doing the work, asked for guidance, gave it my best shot, and yet nothing.
I’ve changed careers four times and have been in job one of career four for seven years. In those seven years, I’ve applied to hundreds of jobs to progress in the profession I love. Hundreds of applications resulted in 2 interviews, no job offers. A part of my current role is to mentor co-op students, who are in the same field as me. Semester after semester I watch them all flourish in their career leaving me to wonder, “what am I doing wrong?” At 20 I was diagnosed with a ‘functional’ disorder that darkens my day-to-day life. I fought tooth and nail to heal and have invested an obscene amount of time, money, and energy into my health in the last 10 years. Countless medical appointments, procedures, tests, and medications yet I’m still battling. No defeat compares to not being able to control the simple functions of your body. As for my personal life - we won't go there just yet. There’s much to unpack but for the sake of time, I'll break it all down in future articles.
I must say I'm beyond grateful to have a job, especially now, and to simply be alive. But failure after failure in almost all areas of my life left me afraid to dream and afraid to try.
Slowly these thoughts came and lingered longer than desired:
How do I continue to live a life that's less than what I know I'm capable of?
Nothing I do is working
I'm a failure. Everyone else must see it too.
What will I give my all to next only for the vision to shatter before my eyes?
How many times must I start over?
Fear and indecisiveness soon took over. Every aspect of my life became paralyzed. Over-analyzing every decision became an obsession - it must be the right one. The excitement of new opportunities in career development or relationships were overshadowed by numbness and procrastination. This feeling extended into my writing and artwork. I've been there many times and I'm all too familiar with the paralyzing fear at the thought of a new opportunity. It won't work. It's too good to be true. Who would honestly pick you? You can't do that. Clearly, you're not good enough. More thoughts to endlessly ruminate over.
Depression and anxiety set in and intensified when weekday mornings found me awake in a panic, dreading the workday ahead. In the evening, to offset the stress, I’d settle into a hot bath and pour over the day. Most nights I would sit there for hours. An easy escape that didn’t require much from me. A place where I could easily let go. I had enough. I didn't want to do this anymore but I couldn't not do this. I love my family and didn't want to leave them with the same hurt and pain of my departure as the loss of my grandma did to us.
No matter what I did these thoughts wouldn't leave so I knew it was time for professional help. I was in therapy before but never really saw any progress but I needed to try again. After weeks of research, I found a therapist who matched my criteria. In one of our many conversations where I was lamenting about my attempts and misses in life, she said something along the lines of, what if trying is enough. Um, what? How? Were you not listening to anything I just said? Aren't you supposed to tell me how to get out of this funk? How can being content with trying bring joy? I’ve been trying in all the ways a person could try. The whole idea felt like settling. Great, I'm stuck here. Yet the more she laid out the idea of trying as good enough and worthy of being celebrated as an accomplishment, the more I started to understand her perspective. Trust me, it was a hard sell.
Honoring my attempts doesn't change the desires of my heart and it certainly isn’t the light at the end of the tunnel that cured all my woes principle but it reframed my views on the sting of failed dreams. There's joy to be found in the pursuit of a dream. As I think back to the moments I had an idea for an art project or poem I remember the excitement and the anticipation of bringing it to life. Those seemingly insignificant feelings associated with doing the work are so often overlooked for the big win of acceptance from others, progressing in your career, or finding someone to share your life with. Beyond the feelings associated with my attempts, I realized how my persistence molded my character, resiliency, work ethic, and commitment to accomplishing goals.
After our session I settled into another bath I thought - what if my attempts inspired someone to finish what I couldn't or wasn't meant to. What if my dreams carry on for generations until it hits the right descendant who carries the dream to completion? Will my efforts be lost then? Isn't what we do today to build a better life not only for ourselves but for generations after us? Think of the parents or grandparents of legendary musicians, actors, and entrepreneurs who were in the same profession. Some achieved a great level of success while others not so much. However, it was the commitment to their craft that inspired generations after them. Now, I’m not trying to be legendary. I’m a simple woman looking for simple things, a simple kind of life but as a black woman, I’m reminded that some simple things require more effort than for those who aren’t in my skin.
To be honest, I'm still striving to see giving my best effort as an accomplishment. It’s a concept I need to permanently work into my thought process but it’s my anchor in times when I feel defeated. I'm not saying you should give up, become complacent and not endeavor to achieve whatever dream you've been pursuing but to find peace in your best effort while you work towards your heart's desires. Also, take the time to honestly assess your goals and efforts - are they still worth pursuing? Are you doing everything you can to accomplish them? Are your goals reasonable? But that's a topic for another time.
No moment, act, or effort is lost if I gave my all. I know one day I'll breakthrough and the dreams I have will be fruitful. However, there are days I slump back into my old thoughts and self-loathing but now, more of my days a filled with a little extra hope. My ideas and daydreams aren't overcome with immediate sorrow. When I wake up and take on the day I find myself brimming with the courage to daydream.